Crapitation

John Major's Sponsors

is proud to be the first to reveal that John Major is receiving sponsorship from a number of companies in his attempt to retain his title as 'Champion Crapitator of England'. He has a different title in Scotland, which our editorial policy forbids us to print.

Unreal Foodstuffs Dept.

SLEAZE®

We apologise for the size of the graphic for 'Parliamentary' SLEAZE® - but it really is a monstrous product. Designed to be fed to the masses, this product has benefited from the astonishing developments in food technology that have come about since the supply of animal feedstuffs was de-regulated in 1983.

SLEAZE® contains lots of things - the residues of a great many things in fact - but it doesn't have to reveal all of its contents on the tin. The details were temporarily registered in the MAFF Foods Register but were removed after 14 days. One thing we can guarantee - you won't find any Integrity in it.

Provided the Conservatory Party is re-elected, the producers of SLEAZE® confidently predict that it will reduce the demand for graveyards by 50% by the end of 1999.

[Phundria hopes that, when another party assumes power, SLEAZE® will be permanently withdrawn from the market.]

The full-size image (34kB)
SLEAZE® is manufactured by the Smith, Hamilton, Greer and Grylls Corporation.

SLEAZE® is supporting the Conservatory Candidate in the interests of self-preservation.

Extract from Mega$loth® Press Release dated 3/21/97 2:30pm

• Mega$loth®, the world's biggest computer software company supports the Conservatory Party Champion for the World Crapitation Contest 1997.
• Mega$loth® is well known for Mega$loth® Windoze® '95 Combined Operating System and Graphical User Interface, which is the world's biggest Operating System for PCs. Mega$loth® Offarce '97®, our latest product, is the world's biggest all-purpose program, consuming no less than 200 megabytes of disk space! Look out for even bigger versions in future. All Mega$loth® software rates 100% on the US Fatware Index, published by Bloat Magazine.
• Mega$loth® software requires Pentiuum® processors, which are the world's hottest! What a combination!
• Mega$loth® is supporting the Conservatory Party Champion as part of its strategy to take over the world, and in gratitude for the Conservatory Government's decision to standardize on all its products for use within the Civil Service, despite stiff competition from UK suppliers. Another triumph for the Mega$loth® Marketing Team.
• Mega$loth® is also campaigning to have the year 2000 renumbered to 1980.
• Mega$loth® supports the Conservatory Party's "Americanise Britain" Campaign.
• The Conservatory Party supports Mega$loth®'s "Americanize® Britain" Campaign.
  

Optional Self-Delusion Dept.

Extract from M$ Press Release dated 3/25/97 11:30am

• In the interests of improving the World Wide Web, Mega$loth® is introducing a new SANITIZE feature with two new user-selectable options into Mega$loth® Internet Exploder® software.
• The PC option when set to 'ON' expunges all non-politically correct text contained within each HTML document.
• The CON option when set to 'ON' translates all text which criticises the English Conservatory Party into fulsome statements of praise! This development has been made possible by a donation by the English Conservatory Party to Mega$loth® (UK) Ltd. Strange - we thought we were supposed to pay them!
• SANITIZE will also remove off-colour words in any of 47 languages from all HTML documents, regardless of the language they are written in*.
• The SANITIZE feature will only add 2 megabytes to Mega$loth® Internet Exploder®.
• A separate more fully detailed press release on these items, and the forthcoming Mega$loth® SmellZ® system extension will be issued eventually.
• Look out for Mega$loth® BugZ 97®.
• [Phundria's just learned that this product is being delayed until 1998.]

* Phundria was looking forward to searching the Web with IE for the pros and cons of a visit to Scunthorpe. Maybe we'll go to the East Neuk of Fife instead!

Crapitation Contest Index